Approaching sex as a connection between souls, rather than just a recreational activity, makes it fairly to see why withholding sex from one’s spouse is a definite ‘no-no’ in Christian thought. It’s a bit like locking your spouse outside without their keys. As a playful tease, it can be a lot of fun (i.e. playing hard to get); but as a tactic in an argument, it’s just mean. Humans wrap up a lot of emotions in being sexually desirable. People who have given up trying to be physically attractive have some pretty deep wounds. It’s tantamount to calling your wife fat or your husband a waste of life. Bullocks if it’s true or not, you just don’t say those things.

That’s my rapid fire stance on using sex as power in another strata. Now for he much more interesting discussion of using power within the sexual strata.

Many spiritual people shy away from the use of personal power in sex. There is an assumption of superiority, which carries ideals about respect, that don’t sync with their sexual paradigm. To these people, I say “lovely”. If it doesn’t get one of you off, there’s no point in bringing it to bed. However, there remains a contingent that find power use in sex (known as the Dom/Sub dynamic) intriguing to really, really hot. Many of these are conflicted because of how many other religious and spiritual people are uninterested or opposed to the Dom/Sub thing.

Let’s clarify some myths. Dom/Sub, Domination/Submission, is the adoption of a static power structure during sex, even if it’s just one session. And it can be just one session, or once a month/week, birthdays… whatever. The terms are kind of scary, yes, and conjure images of the rave scenes from the ‘Matrix’ movies. It dark and dirty and forbidden and there’s a lot of this ‘sin’ mythos surrounding it. In reality, that’s the extreme and largely professional (as in “paid”) world of Dom/Sub. For the every day couple, “amateurs” if you will, there needs be nothing dark or dirty about it. A & B agree that B will do whatever A wants; A is the boss. Now, A gets to pro-actively direct the love-making and B does what they’re told. That’s what it boils down to. Typically, there are penalties for B should A not be obeyed. These don’t have to be scary, either. A quick spank on the rump or temporarily denied orgasm, which are really just healthy tension builders. Note that I didn’t specify genders. Men, being Sub to your wife is nothing to be ashamed of.

I’m not categorically for or against this practice. Under the right circumstances, it is a mutually exciting, bonding time (even when actual bonds aren’t employed). The Dom/Sub I oppose is when it’s an ego thing for the Dom or a form of abuse. I see healthy Dom/Sub as a great picture of the Christian life. If there are any Baptists still reading, put your eyes back in your sockets and pull those jaws back up.Good Dom/Sub has less to do with power than trust and more to do with surrender than authority. When Dom is done right, it is an act of service to the Sub. Gotta love that paradox. The Sub is putting their trust in the Dom and a good Dom will hold that trust as something precious and delicate. The same is true of ministry.

As the believer in the believer/non-believer dynamic, or Zel/Non, it is your responsibility to bring healing, kindness, and love to the dynamic just as much as truth. The only reason to witness is the belief that you have something that will benefit the Non. You are trying to enrich their lives; this is an act of service.

Likewise, being the Dom, you are trying to enrich the pleasure life of your Sub. There are few things more gratifying than finding someone you can trust. Falling blind, knowing you will be caught. It is a liberating surrender. By proving yourself worthy of that trust, you are serving the one who trusts you.

When another surrenders their own strength to you, it makes you stronger. Humans are designed that way, it’s part of the whole community thing. What’s really brilliant, is that when you surrender to another, their strength flows into you. You become two people mutually sharing strength with no deficit. You are now both, roughly, twice as strong. Of course, I’m referring to emotional and spiritual strength, but similar precepts exist in the physical and intellectual realms as well.

This is the real beauty of the Dom/Sub dynamic: it exercises trust and deepens the connection between partners, in addition to fulfilling a fantasy and, hopefully, providing you with REALLY hot sex.