Ask the Monk

Okay, so I’m a bit tired of the kink series myself, so I’m going to switch gears. For May, I’m going back to some basics and I’ll be looking at the connections between sexuality and spirituality with a more spiritual focus.

I welcome any questions you have, please e-mail them to askthemonkquestions@gmail.com

See you back here soon!

Continuing down the list…

8. Dressing up/roleplay

This one is actually surprisingly tricky. As Rob Bell was fond of saying in his book ‘Sex God’, “This is about that.” Sexual fantasies, God love them, have a sometimes bafflingly broad spectrum. Any appetite is like to inspire some daydreaming. Sex fantasies are equivalent to food cravings; they often nag until satisfied, they can be a barometer of the health of one’s appetite, and they get weird when pregnant women are involved.

Preggers big-love aside, there is a very important similarity between fantasies and cravings: exposure. No farmer in Germany during the middle ages ever got a craving for raw squid and avocado surrounded by white rice, wrapped in seaweed and topped with wasabi. (Which is delicious, by the way.) Why? Because he had no idea that sushi existed or, more like than not, that any of those ingredients existed. You don’t get hunger cravings for food you don’t know exists. In fact, have you ever gotten a craving for food you’ve never tasted?

Sex fantasies, I believe, work on the same principle: you have to know it’s out there to want it. If that is true, then roleplaying will always be derived from some aspect of your own life experience. Since sex is all about intimacy, the elements of your sexual development should be shared between spouses. If your first crush was a teacher or you got the pretty nurse when you broke your arm in middle school, those would be perfectly healthy fantasies as an adult. If you lack the gift of contenance, the occasional whig, accent or “that’s not me” article of clothing on your spouse may do you quite a lot of good.

However, it is important not to forget yourself in sex. When roleplaying it is possible to become, in many respects, someone else. Sex needs to always be you and your spouse, the more of you there is involved, the better. Also, I think it’s very unwise to pursue a sexual fantasy without knowing where it came from. Some people, in day-to-day life, need a certain amount of risk to be interested and others are terrified of risking anything ever. In both cases, an element of danger from a “getting caught” fantasy to a rape fantasy could aide your intimacy. If you want the danger element because you’re attracted to the idea of “dirty” sex, you should avoid it.

The fantasies that you engage in, should be an expression of self. Either the person you feel you are or the person you want to be. Some fantasies, however, distort what sex ought to be. For instance, while I do not oppose the use of sex toys, I would oppose using them to indulge a gang-bang fantasy. If a woman wants her husband to be rough or to bind her because she wants to feel that he possesses her; that’s wonderful. This is an expression of wanting to feel unconditional belonging and/or a positive reaction to that one part of the Edenic curse. On the other hand, if she wants to be punished because she really wants to do bad things or because she feels she deserves punishment for something she did or a certain way she is; this is a bad sign.

Also, this shouldn’t be taken as an opportunity to play out your lusts for someone other than your spouse. For those lacking sexual continence, or “Akrasians” to borrow from the Greek, the eye does not wander because they are unsatisfied with their spouse in a specific way (i.e. she’s not pretty enough or he doesn’t listen enough) or they think about sex in terms of conquests. Those people are not Akrasian, they are merely dissatisfied or players. If you are truly Akrasian, you don’t think in terms of superiority (“I like her hair better than my wife’s”), you just like variety (“Blond is as nice as brunette is as nice as red hair”); but you may like it enough to cheat. In these cases, as I said before, adopting that variety will be a good thing because these variations have nothing to do with the Selfness of the spouse; the spoon doesn’t change, just the soup.

That whole “same spoon” thing has to stay firmly in your mind when you take on roleplaying. Emphasizing different parts of your personality or exploring the person you’re afraid to be is fine, this is still you and your values. Do not let yourself or your spouse become someone else or entertain the person you’d be if you weren’t a believer.

Okay, continuing down the list of kinks, I’ve got some easy ones this time around.

4. Sexy toys/vibrators

Most anyone that would disapprove of these will base their decision on one of two things. Either a) they believe that masturbation is a sin (the Pope, I’m looking in your direction) or b) they think it’s unwise because you may like it more than “real” sex with your spouse. To start, masturbation is not a sin, lust is. It is possible to just throw your mind into the physical pleasure of masturbation and be none the more sinful for it.

Remember that the sex drive is an appetite, lust is not the same as feeling hungry, or even dwelling on the hunger. Lust is behind “as soon as Steve isn’t looking, I’m grabbing his french fries” or “I’m going to eat this asparagus, but I’m going to pretend it’s chocolate cake.” Lust is the willing desire for sexual relations you have no right to, ergo it always has a specific object in focus (real or imagined). Without a specific object, it’s just hunger.

So, if you’re flying solo, and enlist the assistance of an inanimate object, as long as you are focusing on the actual physical sensations, and not pretending it’s James McAvoy, you’re fine. Also, if someone enjoys watching their spouse make themselves come, toys could be quite helpful. Now, what if the vibrator owns what the husband can only rent? First, we must remember that “different” does not always mean “better,” more likely, it just means different. Christians should not feel constricted to the short set of sexual experiences dictated by their spouse’s physique. The point of intimacy is not just to share in each other, but to share with each other. You ought to be sharing each other’s orgasms as much as you’re giving each other orgasms (it’s like the difference between listening and hearing).

It doesn’t matter which appendage, toy, or orrifice your spouse uses to make you come, what matters is that your mind unites that pleasure with its image of them. At its core, sex is all about unity. The pleasure, the privacy, and the populating are just the road you walk, unity is the destination; if a bike gets you there sooner, be sure to wear a helmet (I’m told that “apple” and “bluebird” are affective).

5. Shaving off all pubic hair

If anal is a kink, then I suppose oral is, too. There are fewer oppositions to oral than anal; the gross factor is significantly less. Since anal is fair game, oral is certainly on the menu. If it comes down to matter of reccomendation, I’m in strong favor of cunnilingus being in every husband’s top five maneuvers, while I regard fellatio as an icing.

At any rate, there is no opposition to shaving the pubic regions in the Bible, and I’d reccomend it for two reasons. 1) It would make oral sex much more pleasant and 2) a well-kept garden is easier on the eyes than a weed lot.

6. Sex outdoors

The obvious objection is that you lack privacy, which is valid (no one should be watching you have sex with your spouse and if anyone pulls a “not even God?” on that one, I’m going to assume you know why it’s stupid and ignore it). However, the Bible draws strong connections between nature and the outdoors and sex. Honestly, what could be a more appropriate environment for sex than creation itself?

I’m separating sex outdoors from exhibitionism. If you and your spouse find a nice and deserted spot of forest or even have a sufficiently high fence ‘round the backyard, no reason not to go au naturalle and indulge your natural instincts (mind some sunscreen). If exhibitionism is your aim, your spouse ought to be your only audience. In cases where the extra audience got admittance without your knowledge, you are not at fault. Chalk it up to experience and keep dancing.

7. At least kissing someone of the same gender

Homosexuality is off the table, I’m sorry. I know some believers have engaged in same-sex kissing as a kind of satire or an obscure irony. Personally, I think that’s begging for temptation, if not a flat cover-up of your real desires. So, it’s right out as a bedroom activity and highly inadvisable as a joke.

Okay, so lacking any inspirations of late, I’ve decided to address kinky sex and where I think Christians ought to land on the subject. Put quite simply, I’m for it. On the mystic level, sex is the wedding vow. You can’t get more physically intimate than the good old missionary position, you really can’t (unless you have scars or something that you’re really sensitive about, but you catch my drift). You are vulnerable, exposed. In perfect intimacy, everything is laid open, bare and nothing is off limits.

Don’t misunderstand me on that one; once you’re in the club, nothing is off limits, but there is a morality bouncer. I’ve searched for a sufficient metaphor on this one and I’m blank so far. Here is what I keep coming back to:

Some things ought to be a certain way, if they are not, they ought not.

The universe has an order, our bodies are perfect example of this. Blood, bile and acid all work in our favor, but only when they are where they are supposed to be. Watch almost any episode of ‘House’ and they never get in a bigger rush than when some fluid is going where it doesn’t belong. There is no getting around that you’re only supposed to have one living person in that club with you and they’ve gotta be of the opposite sex.

I understand that the love a lesbian woman feels for another lesbian is as real as what a straight man feels for his wife. Honest, I really do get that. There is a tragedy in homosexual love for me. For all its sincerity, it is invalid and there is just no getting around that.

An equal tragedy is that almost everything beyond the missionary position has gotten this “worldly” taint thrown on it. That two Christians can carry on a lifetime of sexual interaction and never explore the most obvious of variations is mind-boggling to me. So, I want to address some sexual “kinks” from the Biblical perspective that I hope I approach all things with. Not really knowing where to start, I asked my atheist, kinky sex expert friend, TBK, for her list of must-tries. This way I’d get a mix of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors and, hopefully, get some suggestions in the comments for gaps to fill in for later posts.

Without further ado…

1. Anal play

Many people, myself included, are put-off by the very idea. I mean, this is pretty much the least sanitary part of our bodies. (I’ve often wondered why God chose to put our excretions in with our genitals; no answer, so far.) The counter argument is that anal play, including penetration, feels absolutely amazing (once you get used to it).

On the sanitation issue, I’ll just say that urine is no worse than excriment and let you sort that one out yourself. There are no Biblical allusions to heterosexual anal play and none of the principals of proper sex are infringed upon by anal play itself. So, while I wouldn’t put it on my personal recommendation list, it’s fair game from the God corner.

2. Threesome

Straight for the jugular. Thanks, TBK.

Because there are only two sexes, any threesome neccessarily will have something, at least, akin to homosexuality. Ergo…. There could be a counter argument made that, since the Old Testament seems to condone polygamy of the MFF variety, two wives pleasuring their husband without attending each other would be good and right. Ten years ago, this wouldn’t be worth considering, but polyamory is a growing phenominon and since God’s view of marriage is not constrained by our government’s, there’s a very real possibility that some believers may set themselves up in the Isaac way.

Polyamory is a big issue that I’ll have to come back to. However, the end is that there’s no way to have a threesome without crossing the homosexual line. Categorically, it’s out.

3. Tying and being tied up

A little light bondage… where to start? Bondage on any level has been thuroughly covered in the image of dirty deviance. While any sexual activity that uses pain as a facilitator for pleasure is off the Christian table, bondage does not mean whips. Partner A is restrained, hand-cuffs are popular but silk scarves would work just as well. (As they say in the Coast Guard: If you can’t tie a knot, tie a lot.)

I’m all for bondage, within certain parameters (no injury, avoid pain). I’d even encourage it for couples who have been married for a while. Being bound brings in whole new levels of trust. You are helpless in the hands of your spouse and now they are going to deliver incredible pleasure. If that doesn’t make you feel closer, you’ve got real problems. Intimacy is all about trust, sex is intimacy incarnate, so maintaining trust in the bedroom is absolutely key to maintaining a healthy marriage.

Okay, that’s all for now. Please comment, more to come.