Okay, continuing down the list of kinks, I’ve got some easy ones this time around.

 

4. Sexy toys/vibrators

Most anyone that would disapprove of these will base their decision on one of two things. Either a) they believe that masturbation is a sin (the Pope, I’m looking in your direction) or b) they think it’s unwise because you may like it more than “real” sex with your spouse. To start, masturbation is not a sin, lust is. It is possible to just throw your mind into the physical pleasure of masturbation and be none the more sinful for it.

 

Remember that the sex drive is an appetite, lust is not the same as feeling hungry, or even dwelling on the hunger. Lust is behind “as soon as Steve isn’t looking, I’m grabbing his french fries” or “I’m going to eat this asparagus, but I’m going to pretend it’s chocolate cake.” Lust is the willing desire for sexual relations you have no right to, ergo it always has a specific object in focus (real or imagined). Without a specific object, it’s just hunger.

 

So, if you’re flying solo, and enlist the assistance of an inanimate object, as long as you are focusing on the actual physical sensations, and not pretending it’s James McAvoy, you’re fine. Also, if someone enjoys watching their spouse make themselves come, toys could be quite helpful. Now, what if the vibrator owns what the husband can only rent? First, we must remember that “different” does not always mean “better,” more likely, it just means different. Christians should not feel constricted to the short set of sexual experiences dictated by their spouse’s physique. The point of intimacy is not just to share in each other, but to share with each other. You ought to be sharing each other’s orgasms as much as you’re giving each other orgasms (it’s like the difference between listening and hearing).

 

It doesn’t matter which appendage, toy, or orrifice your spouse uses to make you come, what matters is that your mind unites that pleasure with its image of them. At its core, sex is all about unity. The pleasure, the privacy, and the populating are just the road you walk, unity is the destination; if a bike gets you there sooner, be sure to wear a helmet (I’m told that “apple” and “bluebird” are affective).

 

 

5. Shaving off all pubic hair

If anal is a kink, then I suppose oral is, too. There are fewer oppositions to oral than anal; the gross factor is significantly less. Since anal is fair game, oral is certainly on the menu. If it comes down to matter of reccomendation, I’m in strong favor of cunnilingus being in every husband’s top five maneuvers, while I regard fellatio as an icing.

 

At any rate, there is no opposition to shaving the pubic regions in the Bible, and I’d reccomend it for two reasons. 1) It would make oral sex much more pleasant and 2) a well-kept garden is easier on the eyes than a weed lot.

 

 

6. Sex outdoors

The obvious objection is that you lack privacy, which is valid (no one should be watching you have sex with your spouse and if anyone pulls a “not even God?” on that one, I’m going to assume you know why it’s stupid and ignore it). However, the Bible draws strong connections between nature and the outdoors and sex. Honestly, what could be a more appropriate environment for sex than creation itself?

 

I’m separating sex outdoors from exhibitionism. If you and your spouse find a nice and deserted spot of forest or even have a sufficiently high fence ‘round the backyard, no reason not to go au naturalle and indulge your natural instincts (mind some sunscreen). If exhibitionism is your aim, your spouse ought to be your only audience. In cases where the extra audience got admittance without your knowledge, you are not at fault. Chalk it up to experience and keep dancing.

 

 

7. At least kissing someone of the same gender

Homosexuality is off the table, I’m sorry. I know some believers have engaged in same-sex kissing as a kind of satire or an obscure irony. Personally, I think that’s begging for temptation, if not a flat cover-up of your real desires. So, it’s right out as a bedroom activity and highly inadvisable as a joke.